Sunday, June 19, 2016

Game of Thrones, Season 6, Episode 59: Battle of the Bastards, or The Apocalypse of St. Jon

Our penultimate episode of HBO’s Game of Thrones begins with Tyrion desperately spewing his talking points about Mereen being a city on the rise. It’s a new day in Mereen. Dany looks on with a mixture of pity and amusement as the explosions drum along.


Once Tyrion snaps out of spin mode, Dany goes into her Breaker of Chains, Mother of Dragons routine, which Tyrion reads immediately as Mad Queen Dany. He gives us yet another primer on the Wildfire Failsafe, and suggests an alternative scenario.


Which apparently involves a parlay with the three dandies that Tyrion made the 7 Years of Slavery deal with. There’s some smirky talk of what will be done with Grey and Missandei and the rest of Dany’s crew, and a subtle shot of Drogon dropping off the side of the great pyramid like a skateboarder setting up for a sick trick.


Drogon catches massive air and buzzes the dandies and their entourage, then Dany mounts up. Again, I hope she’s got some serious motorbike chaps under that sundress. Viserion and Rhaegal hear the call and bust out, and it’s off to show the fleet how air power works.


In the city below, the Sons of the Harpy learn how mounted cavalry and light infantry interact, and Daario the Sleaze invents polo.


The slaver armada has a lot of firepower, but it isn’t much use at short range. The crews are also problematically flammable.


Back at the parlay, Grey gives the guards a chance to run, which they take with indecent haste. Tyrion gives the dandies a chance to elect a sacrifice, which they handle in typical fashion, and Grey shows off his backhand. It’s a new day in Mereen after all.


Up north at Winterfell, Dead Snow and Killer of Tonks are getting the measure of each other. It’s a pointless staredown with some cheap shots exchanged, and Sansa finally gets bored and shuts it down.


Dead Snow has a plan, which isn’t even that terrible, to keep his forces from being surrounded and cut to shreds. It involves trenches and funneling the Bolton forces into a head-on attack, and Sansa thinks this is beyond fucking stupid and ignores the fact that Killer of Tonks doesn’t get out of bed unless there’s tormenting to be done. Harsh words are exchanged, Sansa leaves it at (a) don’t fall for whatever shit he pulls on you, (b) she’s not going back alive.


It being the nerve-wracking night before a battle, there’s wandering amongst the tents to be done. Tormund Giantbeard is going to have a milky drink, Davos is going to walk it off. Happy shitting, Davos. Dead Snow is going to have an unhelpful talk with Mel, who is still feeling off her game and idly watching her brazier like it’s playing reruns of Murder She Wrote.


Jon’s going to war with the army he’s got, and the god he’s got. I think he can be forgiven for looking a little queasy.


Davos goes looking for a good spot to shit, and finds the bones of the pyre Stannis and Mel burned Shireen on. He had to have suspected, but now he knows.


Back in sunny Mereen, Yara and Theon are in town, looking for a deal. Tyrion is a lot more comfortable now that he’s back to an advisory role, and he takes the opportunity to lightly roast Theon. But this is mostly Yara and Dany talking, and there’s clearly a connection there. Lots of steady eye contact and knowing smiles, and at least one blatant pass. In the end, the deal is struck, although Yara’s end of the bargain involves total cultural reform of the Asshole Islands.


This leaves us at the halfway mark for the episode, and the chessboard is set up for the Battle of Winterfell. It begins with Killer of Tonks using Rickon as bait to draw Dead Snow out of his planned field of combat and into open ground. Snow falls for it like the silly son of a bitch he is, and it’s all down the shitter from there.


The Karstark cavalry and whatever horses the Starkish forces have been able to muster crash together midfield, and the Bolton archers rain arrows on the resulting melee, since they don’t give a fuck about killing Karstarks. Once all the Starkish troops are midfield, the Umber and Bolton pikemen form up a shield wall and start squeezing. The Starkish forces have no room to breathe, much less fight, and it’s looking like a hopeless rout until the horns blow and the Knights of the Vale come pouring in and ride down the pikemen.


Killer of Tonks retreats, and has barely finished saying all they have to do is hunker down and wait out the siege when Wun Wun the giant starts knocking. He’s through the gate in a hot minute, with Wildling archers right behind him. The Bolton guards get feathered in short order, but Killer of Tonks puts a shaft through Wun Wun’s eye socket and calls for single combat.


Dead Snow obliges him, and is clearly running on purest adrenaline. He blocks three arrows at point blank range, does a Captain America shield bash, then puts a vicious ground & pound on KoT. I counted 20 straight punches to the face before he notices Sansa’s mild look of reproach.


With the battle won, it’s time to redecorate. Nice tasteful Stark banners, no more of that tacky death metal Bolton crap. Mel is looking imperious once again, and Davos is looking like a man with a big question to ask.


And let’s pour one out for Rickon, who barely had a speaking role in the show.


And is there a fate hideous enough for Killer of Tonks? No, not that anyone less twisted than himself could think of. But this will have to do. Sansa gets to see his sadistic cockiness disappear, and she gets to see the smile literally wiped off his face.


She watches, with some disgust, but clinically. Once she’s seen enough to know the dogs are going to get the job done, she takes her leave. There’s a glimmer of the private smile of relief we saw after Joffrey announced his engagement to Marge. Same smile, but very different Sansa.







Game of Thrones, Season 6, Episode 59: Battle of the Bastards, or The Apocalypse of St. Jon
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Thursday, June 09, 2016

Stephanie Berman Awarded Patent for Insemination Toy

We want to congratulate Stephanie Berman on finally being awarded a utility patent for the technology behind her innovative Semenette® technology. During the new and exciting SHE Sexual Health Expo, where Stephanie was a guest speaker, Amelia G and I got together with her to shoot some fun pictures of her latest Berman Innovations product, the POPDildo™ which incorporates her now patented ejaculating dildo design. The patent protects the toy and it’s replaceable pump and tubing system, which allows for the prevention of infection during the insemination process. In other words, this toy can be worn in a strap-on harness and it’s a perfect tool for safely squirting healthy semen, or whatever fluid you want, into (or onto) your partner, whenever you feel the moment is right. Let’s just say we left the hotel room pretty wet by the time we wrapped things up.


I first met Stephanie Berman during a mixed product demo at the widely respected Pleasure Chest Los Angeles location and immediately recognized that she was something special. Standing tall with a glowing smile and looking cool in her dapper vest, rolled up sleeves revealing an impressive collection of colorful tattoo work, Stephanie Berman was there to educate. She demonstrated her innovative Semenette® product, which she designed for the purpose of getting her wife pregnant in a much more natural intimate and private setting than had ever been available for lesbian partners before.


As Vice President and co-owner of Sepal Reproductive International, specializing in women’s reproductive health, Stephanie had direct experience developing products for home insemination and saw a need for something less clinical, which didn’t require doctor supervision, bureaucratic FDA approval, etc. She saw a need for something fun and intimate and effective. So, she set about creating it herself.


That is what I like most about Stepahie Berman. She saw a need for something personal, intimate, and important, and she put in an incredible amount of work to innovate a great solution. And now she and her wife have a beautiful daughter, who they created together on their own terms. I find that truly inspiring.


Since that first product demo, Stepahie Berman set about implementing even more design improvements, based on experience and customer feedback, and in November of 2015 she released the POPDildo™, in partnership with Fun Factory. Kristen Tribby, Fun Factory’s Director of Marketing and Education comments “We’re delighted to be able to provide customers with a product that’s both a tool for conception and an exceptional toy…Sexual health is very important to us – after-all, we’ve been making medical grade silicone toys for twenty years”


So, whether you are trying to conceive in the most personally intimate way possible, or you just love playing with colorful fun squirty toys, Berman Innovations has you covered.








Stephanie Berman Awarded Patent for Insemination Toy
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Sunday, June 05, 2016

Game of Thrones, Season 6, Episode 57: The Broken Man, or Drink the God Damned Ale

Our fancy new episode of HBO’s Game of Thrones begins with a good old fashioned barn raising, I think. And Septon Al Swearengen! And the HOUND! You fucked up there, Arry.


(Was that the first pre-credits scene of the series? I guess that’s necessary, since the credits would tip any mildly observant viewer to the Hound’s return.)


Looks like the Hound has taken up a peaceful life of fucking up logs with an axe. And he’s been with these hippies long enough to heal up from blood poisoning, a compound femur fracture, and whatever else Brienne put on him.


If the gods are real, why haven’t they punished me? Damn, Hound, if that’s the proof you need for the existence of the gods, you should have that sexy septon medallion all up in your own chest hair.


Back at the Great Sept, Manson & Squeaky are having a session. Marge’s crown looks a bit cosplay. The HS is giving her a gross Lay Back and Think of Westeros pep talk, meaning Tommen has been bitching about being hard up, which is wrong in so many ways. The HS is also making barely veiled threats against Grandma Olenna. Victory isn’t going to his head or anything.


Lady O is in fact salty as fuck about all this, and is ready to beat down some nuns. Marge keeps a lid on things, and manages to convince her to skip to Highgarden without obviously tipping off Septa Ratchet.


And that cute rose drawing says: Marge isn’t done with the game. Tyrell 4 Life.


Dead Snow is having a parlay, the outcome of which never seems in doubt. There’s the requisite bitching, a decent speech from Snow, a call to honor from Giantbeard, and a mic drop from Wun Wun the giant. The Free Folk are all in. Davos doesn’t even have to step up.


Back in the Capitol, Cersei takes another run at a secure alliance with the Tyrells, and Lady O dourly reads her for filth.


Up at Riverrun, Bronn gets yet another promotion in title only.


The Blackfish could not be less impressed with the garbage Freys and their shitshow siege and cheap threats. It helps that he probably genuinely doesn’t give a shit if they kill Edmure, who has been a useless disappointment up to and since the Red Wedding.


Jaime’s possibly less impressed with the Frey boys, and his 15 lb. pimp hand is strong.


Up at Bear Island, Lady Lyanna Mormont has become my new favorite character in this entire show. For this pitch, Davos has to step up, and he plays the Endless Army of Ice Zombies card. That wins House Starkish a whopping 62 men.


Seriously, Lady Lyanna is the best. Find another ten year old who can pull off the Hand of Silence.


Meanwhile back at the siege, we get some grand shots of Jaime on a white charger, all riding through camp on important king business. The Blackfish is duly unimpressed, and treats their meeting as a break in the boredom. He insults Jaime thoroughly and dismisses him. Looks like a long two years ahead.


Back up North, the Starkish road show is hitting some snags. They don’t even get through the front door at Moat Caillin, which is not a good sign. Apparently the Glovers didn’t like being on the losing side last time, and blame Robbo for the brutal opportunism of the Asshole Islanders. The Glovers can fuck that fist on their banners.


Speaking of the Asshole Islanders, the Greyjoy armada is on shore leave in sunny, whorey Volantis. In the midst of a sea of ale and gratuitous tits, the mortal remains of Theon are having a truly shitty time. Asha pulls her face free of a fine pair and makes a last joke about Theon’s severed cock, then kick-marches Theon to an ultimatum. You’re here, or you’re not. If you’re not, open a vein. If you are, drink the god damned ale and let’s get on the side that has dragons and fuck some shit up.


Theon kills his cup, and that frozen sheen of terror finally leaves his eyes. That Volantis brew must be some serious shit.


Up north at Stannis’ lucky campground, the slightly upgraded Starkish forces are setting up tents and brawling among themselves. Sansa is voicing concerns, and Dead Snow is showing some worryingly Stannis-like overfocus.


If Sansa is that conflicted about the raven she’s about to send, it has to be going to Scratchy the Pimp. Oh, no.


Back amongst Septon Al’s idyllic hippie camp, we get a bit of background on his conversion to a life of good works. Apparently he was a soldier and a real piece of shit, and it finally went too far even for him. On cue, a party of shakedown men from the BWB ride up, lick their lips, and ride back off to tell their chums about the unarmed camp full of food and women.


Arya, having haggled for passage back to Westeros, allows herself a last look at the rusty ass of the Titan. And lets her guard down. Dumbass. The revenge of Ginger Bitchface is swift, nasty and gleeful, and fortunately sloppy. And apparently you can wander the streets of Braavos bleeding out from a gut wound, and people will just look at you like your shoes are from last season.


And that was one brief visit from Septon Swearengen. Welp, time to go see about those hooplehead Brotherhood cocksuckers.







Game of Thrones, Season 6, Episode 57: The Broken Man, or Drink the God Damned Ale
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