Weird
Today is a HUGE day for me and almost no one reading this knows why. When you are very young, you are idealistic and careless with your human relationships. When you have experienced more of the world, you are protective and cautious with your human relationships. I think I might have gone from being way too confessional to being way too private. In the age of the internet, however, mention something about yourself once and -- true or false -- it can go down on your permanent record in a way the Violent Femmes only joked about pre-digital world.
PS Thanks dingopariah!
Thursday, February 26, 2004
Phew
The reading went really well. I did not throw up and no one threw rotten veggies at me. Many people said nice things. Hopefully I was not too flustered and shy to say the appropriate things in reply.
Prior to this, I had only read my fiction once before. Susie Bright got me to read at the Best American Erotica release party at Slim's in San Francisco. Although there were more than 200 people at that performance, the audience was shrouded in darkness, so that made it easier. I am usually resistant to doing readings, but I couldn't say no to Susie Bright. I mean, I was pleased to be included in Best American Erotica and . . . performing at Slim's . . . well, venue opened by Boz Scaggs, regularly voted best venue in America, and if it's good enough for Rancid . . .
So, after accepting an original short story of mine for inclusion in his wonderful edgey new anthology, Clint Catalyst was like aren't I special too. He is and, after Susie, I wasn't a virgin any more, so there I was at my second reading.
(Most people reading my journal probably know this, but I've had my writing published approximately a zillion times and this is only the second time I've read it in front of an audience.)
I felt really honored to be sharing attention with the cast of authors reading this evening. Plus it was an additional honor to be doing the reading at such a taste-making place. I'm still a little jangled from it all.
Our illustrious editor Clint Catalyst read of course. The other folks reading are all also super duper on top of performing what they write: Shawna Kenney, Pleasant Gehman, Trebor Healey, Horehound Stillpoint, and Alvin Orloff. Everyone was awesome, so it was really enjoyable to be there. The anthology is set in our world, a milieu which is so often glossed-over or misrepresented in literature. Pills, Thrills, Chills, and Heartache, baby! Mark Ewert, who is also in the book, didn't read but came to hang out and was really charming.
I might be out of town for the Los Angeles release party for the book, but I hope to attend if I can work my schedule right. Oh yeah, and, by the way, I got back to La-la-land on the late side yesterday.
Talked to my friend Jovana on the way back from the reading. She is planning to come to Los Angeles the end of March to shop her cool clothing line. Yay! Glad I talked to her before making my Arizona reservations, so I can be sure to be here.
Couldn't eat much before going to the reading. Thought it imprudent anyway. Think I will go forage now.
The reading went really well. I did not throw up and no one threw rotten veggies at me. Many people said nice things. Hopefully I was not too flustered and shy to say the appropriate things in reply.
Prior to this, I had only read my fiction once before. Susie Bright got me to read at the Best American Erotica release party at Slim's in San Francisco. Although there were more than 200 people at that performance, the audience was shrouded in darkness, so that made it easier. I am usually resistant to doing readings, but I couldn't say no to Susie Bright. I mean, I was pleased to be included in Best American Erotica and . . . performing at Slim's . . . well, venue opened by Boz Scaggs, regularly voted best venue in America, and if it's good enough for Rancid . . .
So, after accepting an original short story of mine for inclusion in his wonderful edgey new anthology, Clint Catalyst was like aren't I special too. He is and, after Susie, I wasn't a virgin any more, so there I was at my second reading.
(Most people reading my journal probably know this, but I've had my writing published approximately a zillion times and this is only the second time I've read it in front of an audience.)
I felt really honored to be sharing attention with the cast of authors reading this evening. Plus it was an additional honor to be doing the reading at such a taste-making place. I'm still a little jangled from it all.
Our illustrious editor Clint Catalyst read of course. The other folks reading are all also super duper on top of performing what they write: Shawna Kenney, Pleasant Gehman, Trebor Healey, Horehound Stillpoint, and Alvin Orloff. Everyone was awesome, so it was really enjoyable to be there. The anthology is set in our world, a milieu which is so often glossed-over or misrepresented in literature. Pills, Thrills, Chills, and Heartache, baby! Mark Ewert, who is also in the book, didn't read but came to hang out and was really charming.
I might be out of town for the Los Angeles release party for the book, but I hope to attend if I can work my schedule right. Oh yeah, and, by the way, I got back to La-la-land on the late side yesterday.
Talked to my friend Jovana on the way back from the reading. She is planning to come to Los Angeles the end of March to shop her cool clothing line. Yay! Glad I talked to her before making my Arizona reservations, so I can be sure to be here.
Couldn't eat much before going to the reading. Thought it imprudent anyway. Think I will go forage now.
Saturday, February 21, 2004
Defective Quiz
Odd, given that I have never smoked pot:
You are the stoner rock!
::Which rock personality disorder (from the Zoloft commercial) should you have? (Results contain pictures!)
brought to you by Quizilla
Also, although I will occasionally consume organically-grown Cali-style pseudo-Mexican food, I don't much like nachos either.
I like the Zoloft spazzed out rock ads though, but the Paxil looming crowd ones really really appeal to me.
Odd, given that I have never smoked pot:
You are the stoner rock!
::Which rock personality disorder (from the Zoloft commercial) should you have? (Results contain pictures!)
brought to you by Quizilla
Also, although I will occasionally consume organically-grown Cali-style pseudo-Mexican food, I don't much like nachos either.
I like the Zoloft spazzed out rock ads though, but the Paxil looming crowd ones really really appeal to me.
Friday, February 20, 2004
Lucifer is a personal patron
Forrest and I have been shooting a devil girl series which I am really pleased with. So far we have shot a few hotties for it, including Molly Winters, Lydia Lashes, Dana Dark, Szandora, and more. Szandora twice. Natch.
The whole set of course appears on Barely Evil
Forrest and I have been shooting a devil girl series which I am really pleased with. So far we have shot a few hotties for it, including Molly Winters, Lydia Lashes, Dana Dark, Szandora, and more. Szandora twice. Natch.
The whole set of course appears on Barely Evil
Wow spamarrest sucks
So I get thousands of pieces of spam a day. This number increases whenever certain jerks feel a little bit extra competitive with me. I thought I would try spamarrest. I tried it on my amelia account which received blueblood.net and swagmag.com email first. Should have tested on a different account. Just lost most of my email from 2004 and the end of 2003 for that account while installing spam arrest. Needless to say, I have now uninstalled it. Was able to recover some but not all of what I lost. Ugh. Folks who have recently emailed one of those addresses might want to resend.
Anyone know a similar program that works a wee bit less destructively?
So I get thousands of pieces of spam a day. This number increases whenever certain jerks feel a little bit extra competitive with me. I thought I would try spamarrest. I tried it on my amelia account which received blueblood.net and swagmag.com email first. Should have tested on a different account. Just lost most of my email from 2004 and the end of 2003 for that account while installing spam arrest. Needless to say, I have now uninstalled it. Was able to recover some but not all of what I lost. Ugh. Folks who have recently emailed one of those addresses might want to resend.
Anyone know a similar program that works a wee bit less destructively?
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
Firewalls
Somebody I made a purchase from actually just asked me to disable my firewall and Norton if I have it, in order to receive a zip file from them. Yeah, let me get right on that. I like to make my network as insecure as possible before downloading from strangers.
No, wait, actually I do prefer to use condoms.
Somebody I made a purchase from actually just asked me to disable my firewall and Norton if I have it, in order to receive a zip file from them. Yeah, let me get right on that. I like to make my network as insecure as possible before downloading from strangers.
No, wait, actually I do prefer to use condoms.
Monday, February 16, 2004
Korean meditation apparently involves push-ups
So I got up really really early today. Picked up groceries at Ralphs. Ate breakfast. Worked on the computer for a while. Picked up groceries at Mayfair. Ate lunch. Ran errands. Went to the gym and worked out. Worked on the computer some more. Bathed. Met friends to somewhat inexplicably go to CostCo. One friend didn't buy a new TV. The other friend did my makeup and did an awesome job and the TVless one took photos of me. I hope they turned out good. It was sort of dark and he was experimenting with a new camera and he was passed out for a bunch of the evening because he is ill. He is really good, though, so probably the pix will be.
Then my friend invited me to try out Korean meditation. Do not be fooled. Korean meditation apparently involves push-ups. She once showed up at a party and apologized for being exhausted because she had just meditated for eight hours. She is in great shape and all, but I can't imagine. The mind boggles.
Met Forrest at a sports bar. Ate some fries. Went home and ate actual food from Mayfair.
Got ICQ from webmaster I promised some text today. I figured I could take part of today off because I had assigned said text to, not one, but two different people. With one hour left in today and a request from me to have said text by close of business, I have no text from either party. Told webmaster that I hoped at least one of the people I had working on this is actually working on it and not doing shots. He decided to go to bed. I think I will do the same.
Ah excellent, there is one writer on ICQ now. Off I go.
So I got up really really early today. Picked up groceries at Ralphs. Ate breakfast. Worked on the computer for a while. Picked up groceries at Mayfair. Ate lunch. Ran errands. Went to the gym and worked out. Worked on the computer some more. Bathed. Met friends to somewhat inexplicably go to CostCo. One friend didn't buy a new TV. The other friend did my makeup and did an awesome job and the TVless one took photos of me. I hope they turned out good. It was sort of dark and he was experimenting with a new camera and he was passed out for a bunch of the evening because he is ill. He is really good, though, so probably the pix will be.
Then my friend invited me to try out Korean meditation. Do not be fooled. Korean meditation apparently involves push-ups. She once showed up at a party and apologized for being exhausted because she had just meditated for eight hours. She is in great shape and all, but I can't imagine. The mind boggles.
Met Forrest at a sports bar. Ate some fries. Went home and ate actual food from Mayfair.
Got ICQ from webmaster I promised some text today. I figured I could take part of today off because I had assigned said text to, not one, but two different people. With one hour left in today and a request from me to have said text by close of business, I have no text from either party. Told webmaster that I hoped at least one of the people I had working on this is actually working on it and not doing shots. He decided to go to bed. I think I will do the same.
Ah excellent, there is one writer on ICQ now. Off I go.
Sunday, February 15, 2004
Virtue
I am such a virtuous girl, that I got my update done for Gothic Sluts last night before test-driving the sex swing. Genesis rocks!
I am such a virtuous girl, that I got my update done for Gothic Sluts last night before test-driving the sex swing. Genesis rocks!
Saturday, February 14, 2004
Happy Vday
Thing number five hundred and one that I like about Los Angeles: I have a Valentines reservation at a restaurant which is supposed to have a good fixed price menu. At 10:45pm. P. M. Love it.
Forrest and I did Playboy's Night Calls again yesterday. Didn't go as well as the first one, although it was still fun. I never ever do this, but I had totally spaced on the fact that I was supposed to go there. I had been thinking about booking one or two of my favorite girls from Gothic Sluts and Barely Evil, but didn't. Usually the head guy over there's assistant would have faxed me a callsheet a couple days beforehand, so there would be no way to forget. Only a friend of hers overdosed last week and she was at a funeral. Usually, I would put it in my calendar, but we booked it when I was in Vegas, after I had been there for over a week and was a little dragged out.
Defended a friend of mine on a board today when someone asked if he was a complete idiot. I pointed out that my friend is good in business, sophisticated, and good-looking. Not an idiot. So this dude, who doesn't even have anything in his sig to identify himself, starts in with what is my favorite restaurent in Paris. I thought that was stupid, but I answered the question. So the guy accuses me of looking it up in Google.
One thing I hate hate hate about the internet is that you never know if someone is looking something up in Google or whether you really have something in common with them. Like, if one was chatting in ICQ and made an allusion to how "My favorite weapon is the look in your eyes," it would take a person no time to be like, "oh yeah, I loved Rape and Honey." But you have no idea if they really did or didn't feel like showing up. You really don't know whether you are connecting.
In person, it would take a moron to think I had never spent time in Paris. I've lived in Germany, Belgium, Switzerland, and England. I can discuss this at length with no internet connection. But, on the internet, apparently everyone is sort of reduced to moron status because it is so hard to know whether or not the answer to a question comes from Google or the heart. Although probably, in this instance, the person attempting to debate me on my friend's merits actually *is* a moron.
Sent out a newsletter this morning. Should work on a site update, but I think I'm going to go finish primping. Happy Valentines Day!
Thing number five hundred and one that I like about Los Angeles: I have a Valentines reservation at a restaurant which is supposed to have a good fixed price menu. At 10:45pm. P. M. Love it.
Forrest and I did Playboy's Night Calls again yesterday. Didn't go as well as the first one, although it was still fun. I never ever do this, but I had totally spaced on the fact that I was supposed to go there. I had been thinking about booking one or two of my favorite girls from Gothic Sluts and Barely Evil, but didn't. Usually the head guy over there's assistant would have faxed me a callsheet a couple days beforehand, so there would be no way to forget. Only a friend of hers overdosed last week and she was at a funeral. Usually, I would put it in my calendar, but we booked it when I was in Vegas, after I had been there for over a week and was a little dragged out.
Defended a friend of mine on a board today when someone asked if he was a complete idiot. I pointed out that my friend is good in business, sophisticated, and good-looking. Not an idiot. So this dude, who doesn't even have anything in his sig to identify himself, starts in with what is my favorite restaurent in Paris. I thought that was stupid, but I answered the question. So the guy accuses me of looking it up in Google.
One thing I hate hate hate about the internet is that you never know if someone is looking something up in Google or whether you really have something in common with them. Like, if one was chatting in ICQ and made an allusion to how "My favorite weapon is the look in your eyes," it would take a person no time to be like, "oh yeah, I loved Rape and Honey." But you have no idea if they really did or didn't feel like showing up. You really don't know whether you are connecting.
In person, it would take a moron to think I had never spent time in Paris. I've lived in Germany, Belgium, Switzerland, and England. I can discuss this at length with no internet connection. But, on the internet, apparently everyone is sort of reduced to moron status because it is so hard to know whether or not the answer to a question comes from Google or the heart. Although probably, in this instance, the person attempting to debate me on my friend's merits actually *is* a moron.
Sent out a newsletter this morning. Should work on a site update, but I think I'm going to go finish primping. Happy Valentines Day!
Friday, February 13, 2004
This comes as absolutely no surprise
Big Boo-tay!
Which B-Movie Badass Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Big Boo-tay!
Which B-Movie Badass Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Why Do "Goths" Throw Terrible Conventions?
I just posted my experience with supposedly Gothic conventions elsewhere, but I thought I should perhaps start an actual entry thang about it.
GothCon in New Orleans did not impress me, but I had a great suite at a non-sucky hotel and had a lot of fun in Louisiana with my pals.
Convergence in Las Vegas, on the other hand, was the single worst convention I think I have ever been to under any circumstance anywhere, but I had a pretty good suite at a non-sucky hotel and had a lot of fun in Nevada with my pals.
Why do people who try to throw these things (a) get the worst hotels possible, (b) totally fail to put on decent programming, (c) inspire an atmosphere of unfriendliness, and (d) suck.
I just posted my experience with supposedly Gothic conventions elsewhere, but I thought I should perhaps start an actual entry thang about it.
GothCon in New Orleans did not impress me, but I had a great suite at a non-sucky hotel and had a lot of fun in Louisiana with my pals.
Convergence in Las Vegas, on the other hand, was the single worst convention I think I have ever been to under any circumstance anywhere, but I had a pretty good suite at a non-sucky hotel and had a lot of fun in Nevada with my pals.
Why do people who try to throw these things (a) get the worst hotels possible, (b) totally fail to put on decent programming, (c) inspire an atmosphere of unfriendliness, and (d) suck.
Thursday, February 12, 2004
Funny
Thought for the day: It is funny which things seem like a big deal at the time, but later on are totally microscopic. And which things you think have to pass some day, but the pain never fades, even if it does pass from day-to-day thought. Sometimes something just flips a switch. The things that torment my little brain the most are ones that center around lost potential, missed human connections, things that should have turned out different, situations where I don't like how I handled them, where I wish I could go back and do the right thing, make them right, even if they don't really impact my life now.
My Lacuna score is 37. I guess I have a dark sense of humor because I think the following evaluation is hilarious:
"Wow, you have some major damage control that needs to be done. We didn’t think that people would need this much work, but we are happy to accommodate! Your treatment could take several visits, but this procedure will work wonders on you. The toxic memories that you harbor will be erased, leaving you with a whole new lease on life. These people and situations that haunt you have controlled your life for too long, call Lacuna today to get your fresh start!
Let us know if you are interested in our Tortured Soul level membership card. Just pay a yearly rate and this card will get you a discount on all of our services, even the most in-depth procedures we offer!! In addition to our monthly publication, you will be eligible for our bimonthly drawing for a buy one get one free procedure. (Offer valid if the procedure is of equal or lesser value than that of the purchased one)"
Alas, the procedure is John Malkovich.
Thought for the day: It is funny which things seem like a big deal at the time, but later on are totally microscopic. And which things you think have to pass some day, but the pain never fades, even if it does pass from day-to-day thought. Sometimes something just flips a switch. The things that torment my little brain the most are ones that center around lost potential, missed human connections, things that should have turned out different, situations where I don't like how I handled them, where I wish I could go back and do the right thing, make them right, even if they don't really impact my life now.
My Lacuna score is 37. I guess I have a dark sense of humor because I think the following evaluation is hilarious:
"Wow, you have some major damage control that needs to be done. We didn’t think that people would need this much work, but we are happy to accommodate! Your treatment could take several visits, but this procedure will work wonders on you. The toxic memories that you harbor will be erased, leaving you with a whole new lease on life. These people and situations that haunt you have controlled your life for too long, call Lacuna today to get your fresh start!
Let us know if you are interested in our Tortured Soul level membership card. Just pay a yearly rate and this card will get you a discount on all of our services, even the most in-depth procedures we offer!! In addition to our monthly publication, you will be eligible for our bimonthly drawing for a buy one get one free procedure. (Offer valid if the procedure is of equal or lesser value than that of the purchased one)"
Alas, the procedure is John Malkovich.
Late Night Fun with Bad Apples and Karma in Flight
I keep a diary partly so that I will be able to see how I might have felt terrible at one point, but I felt great later. I'm dehydrated, but I don't feel like putting clothing on and walking the 50 yards to 7/11 to buy water. I live in LA people; I am not going to drink the tap water, no matter what Penn Jillette says. I closed my ICQ because it was getting on my nerves. I closed the little browser windows with various webmaster boards I was posting on. That world has become so competitive that the largest board had to disable the search function because assholes kept hitbotting it. I've got pretty good intelligence on who some of the assholes involved are, but I don't intend to share it.
I'm bummed that there is always one fucking fly in the ointment in every community I find. I had a most excellent chat with sinisher today and it occurred to me while we were talking that there are certain patterns of unappreciativeness on the part of models which I've complained about here before, but really there is just one really sociable bitch who has been a real problem. It is not so much a pattern as one jerk spreading the hate.
In the adult webmaster world, there is like one person who is pissed he didn't get to fuck me and his manservant who I've got issues with. It is not even like I'm angry there. I'm just disappointed because they both seemed cool at first.
When I was at Wesleyan, there was one cunt who insinuated her way into my social circle and fucked my boyfriend and cozied up to one girl in particular I'd been close with beforehand. I was devastated by this. Mind you, my boyfriend broke it off with the girl when I asked. He destroyed gifts she had given him and sent them back to her. I later fooled around with the chick's husband and gave him furniture and bedding, so she knew I'd been there. The girl later dropped out of school and went to work at a car dealership. I guess karma got her and thank goodness I didn't marry that guy. But I fled to the DC punk scene because that whole world had become too painful to me because of basically the acts of one bad apple.
I felt the most intense sense of coming home to where I was always meant to be in DC in that world. But when my best friend and I had a falling out because he suddenly discovered he was jealous when I got into a serious relationship . . . well, I felt like the whole city was coated with pain in a way where I had to leave.
So I fled to Atlanta. And let's be fair here. Pretty much everyone in Atlanta sucked.
One of the things I loved about Los Angeles was its soft plastic love. So long as I was doing okay, it seemed like people would at least fake like they liked me and be pleasant. Even if you don't like someone, it is polite to shake their hand and ask how they are doing. I didn't mind. This seemed to work well for quite a while.
Then one club promoter who should have been on my dick was rude to me in front of witnesses. Karma kicked his ass hard. Both his clubs failed after I stopped supporting them.
A band I had done free promo work for had me cut from the guest list at my favorite club because someone told them the totally false rumor that I was thinking about suing them for the $900 I would have been owed from their breach of contract. I don't think they thought I'd be more likely to sue if I laid eyes on them, but maybe the guilt was too much. They got terrible pictures shot of them by people who didn't get what they were doing like Forrest and I did. They were dropped from their label when they should have become superstars.
These are two pretty minor things in the greater scheme of my world in Los Angeles. Or they ought to be. And the offending parties got what they deserved.
But I feel the most terrible urge to flee. When I got to college, it was my 12th school in 12 years. It is always my instinct to leave, to start over, to do it all again with a new cast of characters. But I feel like Los Angeles is the big time, the end of the line, the place where most anywhere else would be a step down, a step away, an acceptance of inability to take the heat.
I just wish there weren't heat. I know most of the heat comes from people who are smaller than they can stand and wish they could be me or have what I have; it is the flame of their bilious envy. I'm so on it, so capable, so driven that I feel like a total wuss that I want people to be nice to me. But I do. I like to be nice to other people, but I feel like a chump if they are not nice back. So I want to be nice to people who are nice to me too.
I'd like to take this opportunity to mention to LA peeps in the house that I am doing a fuck of a lot better than okay and they are all invited to go back to making me feel extra super duper warmly welcome.
I keep a diary partly so that I will be able to see how I might have felt terrible at one point, but I felt great later. I'm dehydrated, but I don't feel like putting clothing on and walking the 50 yards to 7/11 to buy water. I live in LA people; I am not going to drink the tap water, no matter what Penn Jillette says. I closed my ICQ because it was getting on my nerves. I closed the little browser windows with various webmaster boards I was posting on. That world has become so competitive that the largest board had to disable the search function because assholes kept hitbotting it. I've got pretty good intelligence on who some of the assholes involved are, but I don't intend to share it.
I'm bummed that there is always one fucking fly in the ointment in every community I find. I had a most excellent chat with sinisher today and it occurred to me while we were talking that there are certain patterns of unappreciativeness on the part of models which I've complained about here before, but really there is just one really sociable bitch who has been a real problem. It is not so much a pattern as one jerk spreading the hate.
In the adult webmaster world, there is like one person who is pissed he didn't get to fuck me and his manservant who I've got issues with. It is not even like I'm angry there. I'm just disappointed because they both seemed cool at first.
When I was at Wesleyan, there was one cunt who insinuated her way into my social circle and fucked my boyfriend and cozied up to one girl in particular I'd been close with beforehand. I was devastated by this. Mind you, my boyfriend broke it off with the girl when I asked. He destroyed gifts she had given him and sent them back to her. I later fooled around with the chick's husband and gave him furniture and bedding, so she knew I'd been there. The girl later dropped out of school and went to work at a car dealership. I guess karma got her and thank goodness I didn't marry that guy. But I fled to the DC punk scene because that whole world had become too painful to me because of basically the acts of one bad apple.
I felt the most intense sense of coming home to where I was always meant to be in DC in that world. But when my best friend and I had a falling out because he suddenly discovered he was jealous when I got into a serious relationship . . . well, I felt like the whole city was coated with pain in a way where I had to leave.
So I fled to Atlanta. And let's be fair here. Pretty much everyone in Atlanta sucked.
One of the things I loved about Los Angeles was its soft plastic love. So long as I was doing okay, it seemed like people would at least fake like they liked me and be pleasant. Even if you don't like someone, it is polite to shake their hand and ask how they are doing. I didn't mind. This seemed to work well for quite a while.
Then one club promoter who should have been on my dick was rude to me in front of witnesses. Karma kicked his ass hard. Both his clubs failed after I stopped supporting them.
A band I had done free promo work for had me cut from the guest list at my favorite club because someone told them the totally false rumor that I was thinking about suing them for the $900 I would have been owed from their breach of contract. I don't think they thought I'd be more likely to sue if I laid eyes on them, but maybe the guilt was too much. They got terrible pictures shot of them by people who didn't get what they were doing like Forrest and I did. They were dropped from their label when they should have become superstars.
These are two pretty minor things in the greater scheme of my world in Los Angeles. Or they ought to be. And the offending parties got what they deserved.
But I feel the most terrible urge to flee. When I got to college, it was my 12th school in 12 years. It is always my instinct to leave, to start over, to do it all again with a new cast of characters. But I feel like Los Angeles is the big time, the end of the line, the place where most anywhere else would be a step down, a step away, an acceptance of inability to take the heat.
I just wish there weren't heat. I know most of the heat comes from people who are smaller than they can stand and wish they could be me or have what I have; it is the flame of their bilious envy. I'm so on it, so capable, so driven that I feel like a total wuss that I want people to be nice to me. But I do. I like to be nice to other people, but I feel like a chump if they are not nice back. So I want to be nice to people who are nice to me too.
I'd like to take this opportunity to mention to LA peeps in the house that I am doing a fuck of a lot better than okay and they are all invited to go back to making me feel extra super duper warmly welcome.
Screwy Schedule
My schedule is all ass-backwards at the moment. I can't decide if I should try to impose work hours and play hours on myself or not. I tried to get Forrest to go get some 3am steaks with me, but no dice. If I were feeling truly enterprising, I would do laundry like Scar and Vamp Dahlia in this lovely series I shot for Blue Blood's Gothic Sluts
I'm not insomniac, so much as confused. I freshened up my hair dye earlier but didn't take a bath. Maybe I will run a nice hot one now.
My schedule is all ass-backwards at the moment. I can't decide if I should try to impose work hours and play hours on myself or not. I tried to get Forrest to go get some 3am steaks with me, but no dice. If I were feeling truly enterprising, I would do laundry like Scar and Vamp Dahlia in this lovely series I shot for Blue Blood's Gothic Sluts
I'm not insomniac, so much as confused. I freshened up my hair dye earlier but didn't take a bath. Maybe I will run a nice hot one now.
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
What I did on my working vacation . . .
I can finally post some of these snapshots. This was SUCH a good time. We had A LOT of fun. The rest of the pix are at http://www.ameliag.com/galleries/yamhill/index.htm. Forrest and I ended up taking a cab to the hotel. Which was like two blocks away.
I can finally post some of these snapshots. This was SUCH a good time. We had A LOT of fun. The rest of the pix are at http://www.ameliag.com/galleries/yamhill/index.htm. Forrest and I ended up taking a cab to the hotel. Which was like two blocks away.
I Love Los Angeles
I love Los Angeles. I feel so much better for having walked in place and picked up heavy things only to put them down again. I love that I could get on the treadmill and talk to someone I like for 45 minutes and this is not odd behavior here. My phone is kind of sweaty and gross, but I just took a nice hot bath.
Looking through some vacation snapshots I couldn't post before for some kinda humorous reasons. Think I might pick out some that I can post now and upload them soon. They are funny even if you are not me and don't know the back story.
Thought for the day: F, J, W, and S are all really awesome and keep me chipper. Not that I don't deserve good things, but I still feel really lucky and special for getting to have such loyal and witty evil pals. It is weird to me how many people I meet who have no friends they have had for more than a year or two and I'm really glad that is not me. I'm also pretty psyched about L and B and some of the other new friends I've made who I think have the potential to be part of my world long-term.
I always want everything to be perfect, but damn if my world isn't pretty darn good. Just not perfect. Darn it.
I think I am going to plan a trip to another one of my favorite cities, sinful Las Vegas, in a little while.
This Thai food still tastes fucking awesome!
I love Los Angeles. I feel so much better for having walked in place and picked up heavy things only to put them down again. I love that I could get on the treadmill and talk to someone I like for 45 minutes and this is not odd behavior here. My phone is kind of sweaty and gross, but I just took a nice hot bath.
Looking through some vacation snapshots I couldn't post before for some kinda humorous reasons. Think I might pick out some that I can post now and upload them soon. They are funny even if you are not me and don't know the back story.
Thought for the day: F, J, W, and S are all really awesome and keep me chipper. Not that I don't deserve good things, but I still feel really lucky and special for getting to have such loyal and witty evil pals. It is weird to me how many people I meet who have no friends they have had for more than a year or two and I'm really glad that is not me. I'm also pretty psyched about L and B and some of the other new friends I've made who I think have the potential to be part of my world long-term.
I always want everything to be perfect, but damn if my world isn't pretty darn good. Just not perfect. Darn it.
I think I am going to plan a trip to another one of my favorite cities, sinful Las Vegas, in a little while.
This Thai food still tastes fucking awesome!
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
Ugh, iced lattes, menus, gym
Ugh, I've been sitting at my desk for almost five hours, during which my most major accomplishment seems to be the successful ordering of delivery Thai food. I meant to go out Saturday night, but I didn't make it. Drank a lot of coffee during this last period and I think it just really doesn't do my system any good. Well, except for the part where I really really really really like iced lattes. Ah well, if part of my pact with the devil to get more done than the Joneses and never really age is to cut down on the espresso action, I'm sure I'll live.
I just can't decide on my goals for this year and that is not really characteristic. I just feel like I keep getting things I want and they keep being not quite how I envisioned them.
An example I've talked about in my journal a lot is how I've helped the careers of many models. I thought if I got my friends into lots of magazines and wrote articles about how cool they were, they would in turn (a) appreciate it and (b) hook me up when they were in a position to do so. Instead, apparently, people always want to believe they did it all by their lonesome and can't give credit to those who helped them most. So the people I've gotten the most press and such tend to be the ones who are the most annoying and competitive later and the least kind.
I got tons of magazine credits. I got to have lots of people see photographic work I was proud of. But I also got a crazy bitch or two where interacting with me three years ago is the most important thing that ever happened to them and they just can not forget about me and quit bugging my current models, friends, etc.
Not sure the harrassment I've received was worth the vast investment of time and money and emotion. I know I got some good things out of it, but the success was not what I thought it would be. So I'm having trouble picking goals for 2004 besides picking up some new hobbies. I don't want to pick some gigantic impossible goal, work really hard, achieve my dreams . . . and be like, wow, this wasn't what I thought I was ordering when I read the menu.
Forrest says I am a work anorexic and no matter how much I get done, I always think I am fat. The analogy makes more sense coming from him. I am going to go to the gym now. I really LOVE living in Los Angeles where I had a choice of a number of gyms I could join where I would be able to work out at this late hour. I bet that perks me up.
Ugh, I've been sitting at my desk for almost five hours, during which my most major accomplishment seems to be the successful ordering of delivery Thai food. I meant to go out Saturday night, but I didn't make it. Drank a lot of coffee during this last period and I think it just really doesn't do my system any good. Well, except for the part where I really really really really like iced lattes. Ah well, if part of my pact with the devil to get more done than the Joneses and never really age is to cut down on the espresso action, I'm sure I'll live.
I just can't decide on my goals for this year and that is not really characteristic. I just feel like I keep getting things I want and they keep being not quite how I envisioned them.
An example I've talked about in my journal a lot is how I've helped the careers of many models. I thought if I got my friends into lots of magazines and wrote articles about how cool they were, they would in turn (a) appreciate it and (b) hook me up when they were in a position to do so. Instead, apparently, people always want to believe they did it all by their lonesome and can't give credit to those who helped them most. So the people I've gotten the most press and such tend to be the ones who are the most annoying and competitive later and the least kind.
I got tons of magazine credits. I got to have lots of people see photographic work I was proud of. But I also got a crazy bitch or two where interacting with me three years ago is the most important thing that ever happened to them and they just can not forget about me and quit bugging my current models, friends, etc.
Not sure the harrassment I've received was worth the vast investment of time and money and emotion. I know I got some good things out of it, but the success was not what I thought it would be. So I'm having trouble picking goals for 2004 besides picking up some new hobbies. I don't want to pick some gigantic impossible goal, work really hard, achieve my dreams . . . and be like, wow, this wasn't what I thought I was ordering when I read the menu.
Forrest says I am a work anorexic and no matter how much I get done, I always think I am fat. The analogy makes more sense coming from him. I am going to go to the gym now. I really LOVE living in Los Angeles where I had a choice of a number of gyms I could join where I would be able to work out at this late hour. I bet that perks me up.
Saturday, February 07, 2004
Wow synchronicity
Wow, I just asked about how models and photographers feel about stock photography here and a total stranger tried to sell me pictures of girls I know. Girls who I really doubt know they are on a content stock photography licensing site where just a few pictures are being sold for as much as $350. They do not even credit the models or seem to know who any of them are. I know who they are though. The seller can't seem to even come up with a story on how someone in another country could have met the photographer, so I think this might be 100% fraudulent.
My favorite description on there reads, "They are sweet, tattooed by the Yazuka, pleasuring to top dog of the worlds most feared mafia. They are now on a quest to pleasure you." Trust me, a lot of people who read my journal have seen the photos Forrest Black and I have taken of these girls and would die laughing if they knew who this supposedly described.
Wow, I just asked about how models and photographers feel about stock photography here and a total stranger tried to sell me pictures of girls I know. Girls who I really doubt know they are on a content stock photography licensing site where just a few pictures are being sold for as much as $350. They do not even credit the models or seem to know who any of them are. I know who they are though. The seller can't seem to even come up with a story on how someone in another country could have met the photographer, so I think this might be 100% fraudulent.
My favorite description on there reads, "They are sweet, tattooed by the Yazuka, pleasuring to top dog of the worlds most feared mafia. They are now on a quest to pleasure you." Trust me, a lot of people who read my journal have seen the photos Forrest Black and I have taken of these girls and would die laughing if they knew who this supposedly described.
Thursday, February 05, 2004
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
Hey Szandora!
I'm posting one of the Gothic Sluts caged pix from the abandoned zoo per your request:
Shooting outside where you are not really supposed to is so much fun!
You might want to look at the front of BlueBlood.net now too . . .
I'm posting one of the Gothic Sluts caged pix from the abandoned zoo per your request:
Shooting outside where you are not really supposed to is so much fun!
You might want to look at the front of BlueBlood.net now too . . .
Alize is a girlie drink?
Alize is not a girlie drink in anything but color. That stuff is so strong it will put hair on your chest. Pretty sure it should mix better on top of champagne than beer though. I can't wait for my stupid period to be over this month. I always get it whenever I hang with Szandora, no matter how recently I've bled already. Her hormones rule me.
Alize is not a girlie drink in anything but color. That stuff is so strong it will put hair on your chest. Pretty sure it should mix better on top of champagne than beer though. I can't wait for my stupid period to be over this month. I always get it whenever I hang with Szandora, no matter how recently I've bled already. Her hormones rule me.
Hey Models and Photographers: Stock Photography
So spikyme was talking about stock photos in his journal and it reminded me that this was something I had percolating in the back of my brain.
For those who are wondering, stock photography is where a photographer takes a bunch of images he or she has already taken and places them with essentially an agent. The centralized agent company then sells various rights to the images to various organizations and gives the photographer a small percentage. The advantage to the photog is that he or she can concentrate on making images instead of sales and will probably get a number of clients that he or she would not have landed with any sort of direct contact.
Basically, the stock agency pays the photographer a royalty at set intervals, but they don't call you up and say hey we are thinking about using x and so pic of so and so for a cell phone advertisement; how do you feel about that? Most of them let you know where your work ran when you get the royalty statement.
I have a royalty clause built into my standard model release for full shoots, so that, if I got a huge check, there is a standard % I would pay to whoever was pictures minus any advances I had already paid them. I view all payments to models as advances because you never know when a picture is going to become more valuable down the line and I think the model should share in the success if it does become more valuable. It shocks me that more people on both sides of the camera do not insist on a royalty clause in the case of an unexpected windfall.
I've never done the stock thing because it always weirded me out that I wouldn't know where the images would end up and I didn't want to piss off any of my models. What do models reading this think about stock? What do photographers reading this think about stock? I'd really love to get some other people's opinions.
Forrest and I have a HUGE back catalog of images which no one has ever seen and an even huger one of images which have appeared on a Blue Blood Site and nowhere else. Should I submit some of them to a stock house?
So spikyme was talking about stock photos in his journal and it reminded me that this was something I had percolating in the back of my brain.
For those who are wondering, stock photography is where a photographer takes a bunch of images he or she has already taken and places them with essentially an agent. The centralized agent company then sells various rights to the images to various organizations and gives the photographer a small percentage. The advantage to the photog is that he or she can concentrate on making images instead of sales and will probably get a number of clients that he or she would not have landed with any sort of direct contact.
Basically, the stock agency pays the photographer a royalty at set intervals, but they don't call you up and say hey we are thinking about using x and so pic of so and so for a cell phone advertisement; how do you feel about that? Most of them let you know where your work ran when you get the royalty statement.
I have a royalty clause built into my standard model release for full shoots, so that, if I got a huge check, there is a standard % I would pay to whoever was pictures minus any advances I had already paid them. I view all payments to models as advances because you never know when a picture is going to become more valuable down the line and I think the model should share in the success if it does become more valuable. It shocks me that more people on both sides of the camera do not insist on a royalty clause in the case of an unexpected windfall.
I've never done the stock thing because it always weirded me out that I wouldn't know where the images would end up and I didn't want to piss off any of my models. What do models reading this think about stock? What do photographers reading this think about stock? I'd really love to get some other people's opinions.
Forrest and I have a HUGE back catalog of images which no one has ever seen and an even huger one of images which have appeared on a Blue Blood Site and nowhere else. Should I submit some of them to a stock house?
Updated Blue Blood
I did the first installment of a travel column I am going to be doing for BlueBlood.net at http://www.blueblood.net/stuff/travel_vegas.htm It will mostly not be new to people who have been reading my journal, but I am pleased to have been able to make some pottery by turning the clay in my brain on my diary for a while. I wanted my blog to be a place I could start placing ideas which were not yet fully formed articles, but I was not sure it was going to really happen until now. I am very pleased. Getting psyched for the relaunch. Just need a few more columnists with credits to write me at submit@blueblood.net
I did the first installment of a travel column I am going to be doing for BlueBlood.net at http://www.blueblood.net/stuff/travel_vegas.htm It will mostly not be new to people who have been reading my journal, but I am pleased to have been able to make some pottery by turning the clay in my brain on my diary for a while. I wanted my blog to be a place I could start placing ideas which were not yet fully formed articles, but I was not sure it was going to really happen until now. I am very pleased. Getting psyched for the relaunch. Just need a few more columnists with credits to write me at submit@blueblood.net
Friendly
For some reason, feeling like a lawnmower is in my tummy and a lava lamp is in my head makes me feel simultaneously more loathing for my fellow man and more of a desire to smooth over all differences. Like if most people suck, holding a grudge seems like such a waste of energy. It makes me want to buy dinner for people I don't like. Fortunately I feel too cramp-riddled to leave the house. I think dingopariah had some insights on this.
Weirdly, I got a lot of work done tonight and I am still good to go.
For some reason, feeling like a lawnmower is in my tummy and a lava lamp is in my head makes me feel simultaneously more loathing for my fellow man and more of a desire to smooth over all differences. Like if most people suck, holding a grudge seems like such a waste of energy. It makes me want to buy dinner for people I don't like. Fortunately I feel too cramp-riddled to leave the house. I think dingopariah had some insights on this.
Weirdly, I got a lot of work done tonight and I am still good to go.
Sunday, February 01, 2004
Bzzz
I'm such a good little worker bee. I updated Life of Vice after Szandora left today with many all new free naughty pictures. I wanted to keep Szandora here, but we did get to shoot many cool pix. There are just so few girls I feel really close to that I all wanted to hang out the whole time and kept being like oh yeah, guess we need to take some pictures to justify that pesky airfare and all.
I'm such a good little worker bee. I updated Life of Vice after Szandora left today with many all new free naughty pictures. I wanted to keep Szandora here, but we did get to shoot many cool pix. There are just so few girls I feel really close to that I all wanted to hang out the whole time and kept being like oh yeah, guess we need to take some pictures to justify that pesky airfare and all.
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