This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Automated Suicide Note Generator

Click here to kill yourself

Feeling kinda better

I frequently tell people I am crazy, but I don't actually usually feel particularly loopy. Never accepted a prescription for loopiness etc.

I believe psychological pain is generally nature's way of telling you to change something you are doing.

As is probably obvious from recent, I've been feeling like crawling out of my skin lately though.

Now I just have to figure out how to change the bad things without changing the good ones too much.

Thanks for calling, Szandora. It helped to talk and I'm looking forward to seeing you.

Double thanks to my bro. Not sure what time it is in Japan, but I think it is really late and I appreciate you taking a couple hours to talk to me. It made a big difference. No doubt AT&T will appreciate it even more when I get my bill. :-)

Psychotic break

I guess I should probably go watch TiVo or something if I can't get anything productive done.

Otherwise, it is just a matter of time before I drive myself into a public psychotic break and that just won't do.

Thanks for all the supportive comments, folks. I'm going to attempt to take care of myself for a few and see how that goes.

Grabbing my tit

So the other day, I was trying to help a friend out with some hookup and some advice for his band. I was not dressed slutty at all. In the middle of me trying to talk business which was going to be way more of an advantage for him than for me, he grabbed my tit and commented that he felt my nipple because I was wearing a fairly casual stretch bra. I've lost a bunch of weight and need to buy new bras. At the time, I sort of laughed it off because the situation was already sort of tense and I didn't make a big deal of it. Only I thought we were friends. I was trying to do him a favor and he disrespects me as a woman. The more I think about it, the more I'm pissed off about it. Could just be the headspace I am in now, but . . .

Anyone here ever take the drug Levaquin?

Drenched in fever sweat

I think I am really sick.

I can't stay asleep for more than a few hours in a row.

I should probably not be posting to the internet just now. Or for the last few days.

I kept thinking I was cranky from PMS, except it seemed kind of like a lot too much so, and I keep thinking I'm going to be bleeding in about five minutes, only now my period is late.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Fucking Up the Curve

So I always feel like no matter how much I accomplish, I am never good enough.

So why is it that other people are generally overwhelmed and intimidated by me?

How the fuck is it that I feel like I should somehow do more and be more and other people are always like stop fucking up the curve for everyone else?

18 or Dead

Had a great shoot tonight. Beautiful girl of a flavor I love to shoot, unique and individualistic and passionate and intense with a lot of star quality, great model and actual potential friend.

Fell asleep pretty soon after.

Still got a sad girl thing going on though.

Still got a sad artist thing going on.

Still got a disillusioned with what I used to care about thing going on.

I feel like I missed the boat believing in higher ideals while everyone else was out to for $$ or one-upping the next guy.

Some sexist bullshit from various adult webmasters I know is making me beserk.

Some sexist bullshit from various rocker guys I know is making me beserk.

I know I just have bizarrely bad PMS. Way worse than normal and way way worse than I've had it for a while. I don't usually drink, so maybe all the "fun" I've been having lately has caused this.

Whatever it is, I find myself wishing more and more often that I were either 18 or dead.

I'm not really a girl

So my family had a lot of dough when I was a kid.
A little girl in my class once asked me if my family was rich.
I asked my father if we were.
He said no, we were well-to-do.

My family is littered with ex-millionaires.
None of us like to buckle under to pressure even when the payoffs are huge.
Hubris, dignity, lack of materialism, inability to grasp the evil nature of our fellow man, one of those things.

I got good grades.
I went to a good school.
I graduated to become a broke-ass punk-rocker.
I was happy about a lot of things and thought I just needed to be more accomplished and be able to pay my bills.

Now I think I need some custom rims for my Town Car and probably a new Town Car to go with them.
I am so sick of biters who wish they could claim my accomplishments that I am afraid to state here what design I want for fear someone else will rip it off.

Now I think I need a three million dollar house so I can get a big dog who will love me the way I want to be loved.

Now I think I should have been a man.
My personality is so much better suited to being male.
Girls tend to change who they are based on who they are dating that week.
Boys tend to have stronger core senses of self.
Boys also tend to think they can't be friends with girls, but they sure wouldn't mind getting some sex.
A lot of times they don't even really want the sex, just feel obligated to pursue it.

I've got that horrible weepy sort of PMS that makes me feel like the biggest pussy in the universe.
Pardon the word choice.
I like to say cunt when I'm speaking from a position of power.

AMELIA G AND FORREST BLACK MODEL CALLS

Okay, I'm going to go through my friends list in a few for Portland cuties I have talked to before, but please please feel free to post to this thread. Please also repost this model call at will, especially to local groups. I know I usually tell folks not to post model queries in my personal journal, but this is an exception. Normally, submissions go to the general mailbox at sadistintern@blueblood.net, but I didn't have anyone check it for a couple weeks and it got so many tens of thousands of emails that it blew up and needs to be repaired, so do not email at this time.

Forrest made the mistake of taking a nap on a Saturday night, so I made reservations to go to Vegas and Portland. There is a possibility that either Szandora or Forrest will nix my plans by 11pm Monday, but after that the tickets are nonrefundable, bwa, ha, ha, ha . . .

MODEL REQUIREMENTS
You must be interested in both fashion and nude modeling.
You must be rockin' one or more of the following looks: gothic, punk, fetish, good tattoos, other damn weirdo individual.
You must be comfortable modeling at least topless and clear on what your personal limits are.
These are either paid gigs or content trade gigs if you have your own site.
Please post a picture(s) of yourself or a link to a picture(s) along with what magazines and web sites you are most interested in appearing in, what levels of nudity and/or explicit actitivy you are comfortable with/interested in doing on camera, and say whether you are in Portland or Vegas and whether you have your own site.
My journal autoscreens, so no one but me will see your post, so feel free to post personal stuff.

VEGAS MODELS November 9-11

PORTLAND MODELS November 11-15

Better Mood

PMS is much better.

Throat still hurts, but delivery chicken soup is helping and Forrest got me Advil and Tylenol and vinegar potato chips to scratch my throat with. Thanks Forrest!

Kind of enjoying the whole rainy night thing too.

Happy Halloween! Evil Gothic Pumpkin


Happy Halloween, everyone!



Feel better, Szandora.

Shower or Suicide, What'll I Do?

Bonus points for anyone who knows what that title is an allusion to.

Going to take a hot bath now. Maybe watch some TiVo after.

Happy Fucking Halloween

Every Halloween, I get the blues like regular people get 'em for Xmas. I just want everything to be so perfect and it used to be so important to me and now I just feel bleah.

I've got a really bad sore throat.

I've got PMS.

I had a lot of fun in Vancouver, but I'm having trouble adjusting to being online again now that I am home. It was making me nuts being without internet or cell phone, but I think maybe it was healthy. What if I am psychologically allergic to the internet? We are often addicted to the things we are allergic to.

If I am making so many new friends and my prospects are looking so up, why am I so depressed?

I know it is probably just a Halloween thing and a girl thing, but I'm so sad. I just don't want to have to be me.

:-(

I have PMS, a hideous sore throat, and a fever. This sucks.

Beer and Conversation

Went dive bar drinking tonight with someone I sort of know in a business context. Met him at a Sunset Strip party, but mostly know him online. Had a really great time. Talked about all sorts of different stuff.

And the evening ended better than the last one I had like that at that bar.

Last time I went there with a webmaster sorta person, I thought I was having this amazing great time and intense real conversation and, at the end of the night, the guy had a total temper tantrum and was like, well if you aren't going to fuck me or at least have me spend the night, then I guess I will see you at the next business convention.

The medication which is making my wisdom teeth sockets finally heal has the side effect of allowing me to drink alcohol again which I had developed something of an allergy to. I think I am really making up for lost time this week though.

Tales of Vancouver debauchery coming once I get more caught up on work.



Which reminds me that I better go watch this week's episode of The OC on TiVo now. I had some delightful sex earlier this evening, so I can't decide whether I will feel like masturbating to the show. I guess I'll just have to play it by ear.

I've been out of town

Actual information later.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.