Vegas
So checking a bunch of my online stuff remotely is difficult, but there is high speed internet in the business center in my Portland hotel.
Was great seeing Szandora in Vegas. I wish people would stop talking trash about me to anyone I care about and work with though. Like why can't the biters just find their own people to be interested in, but it seems like they just wait for me to find cool new models or interests or whatever and then try to jump on my coattails and copy whatever I am doing that week.
Enjoyed the jacuzzi tub at the Luxor. Their gym was great too. Had a really good workout. They've got these high tech treadmills where you enter your age and weight and fitness goals and put your hands on the bars and it adjusts the incline for how much strength you are using and the speed for how much cardio according to how it reads your heartrate. And there are little drink holders for your water too. I am sore today though.
Got to meet a webmaster chick I knew from the boards online and go to a Vegas locals bar. We had an odd assortment of stuff in common and that was cool. Obviously, I'm looking to hire and she has a good gig now, but it was totally fun to hang out with her and the evening didn't end with her telling me I needed to put out or she wouldn't like me any more.
She says she doesn't get the stuff from the adult webmaster community where the guy webmasters are all weird and rude and insistent about sex. She is not unattractive, so I wish I knew what I was doing. I figure if some women I talk to have it happen and some don't, then maybe there is a pattern. Possibly one I'd be comfortable adjusting my behavior on and possibly not, but I wish I could figure it out.
In all fairness, there is one person from the adult webmaster boards where I understand why they might have been irritated I was not down for having sex with them, but I am baffled by the rest and more than a little annoyed. I know that hiring someone to be the http://www.spookycash.com/ rep will fix the immediate problem, but sometimes not knowing where the issue comes from makes me crazy.
Flew out of Vegas on an 8am flight. Didn't really sleep beforehand. Screaming children on the plane.
Sunday, November 09, 2003
Deep Breaths
Well, having been off the weird speedy antibiotics for a few, I would have to say that they were contributing to me freaking out. Plus, much as I hate to have any womanly weaknesses, my late period just started and it is an odd light pink. Don't know WTF that is, but I think it finally starting is improving my mood.
I know I've behaved in some really out of character ways recently and hopefully I haven't done any damage I can't fix.
A bunch of supportive folks really made a big difference to me. Huge thank yous to the folks who posted here and on certain boards and who talked to me on ICQ and on the phone. You know who you are. I was really really spinning out like I haven't since I was a teenager and your support really made a difference. My mom was even really cool. Sometimes the world gives back some of what it takes away and stuff works out.
Still trying to make some difficult decisions, but trying to remember to take deep breaths. I think this trip is going to do me good. I've got an amazing room at a boutique hotel reserved for Portland. I was going to stay at Luxor in Vegas, but Bellagio is running a cool promotion, so I'm debating.
I've only been drinking iced lattes during my period for the last few months, so I think I'm going to celebrate my bleeding with a little walk to Starbucks now that the sun is coming up. Better put a load of laundry in first or I'm never going to get packed to get to the airport in time.
Just so you all do not worry. I will be mostly offline for a little over a week, but it will be because I am shooting (and hopefully recharging my personal batteries) in Vegas and Portland and not because I shot myself or overdosed.
Well, having been off the weird speedy antibiotics for a few, I would have to say that they were contributing to me freaking out. Plus, much as I hate to have any womanly weaknesses, my late period just started and it is an odd light pink. Don't know WTF that is, but I think it finally starting is improving my mood.
I know I've behaved in some really out of character ways recently and hopefully I haven't done any damage I can't fix.
A bunch of supportive folks really made a big difference to me. Huge thank yous to the folks who posted here and on certain boards and who talked to me on ICQ and on the phone. You know who you are. I was really really spinning out like I haven't since I was a teenager and your support really made a difference. My mom was even really cool. Sometimes the world gives back some of what it takes away and stuff works out.
Still trying to make some difficult decisions, but trying to remember to take deep breaths. I think this trip is going to do me good. I've got an amazing room at a boutique hotel reserved for Portland. I was going to stay at Luxor in Vegas, but Bellagio is running a cool promotion, so I'm debating.
I've only been drinking iced lattes during my period for the last few months, so I think I'm going to celebrate my bleeding with a little walk to Starbucks now that the sun is coming up. Better put a load of laundry in first or I'm never going to get packed to get to the airport in time.
Just so you all do not worry. I will be mostly offline for a little over a week, but it will be because I am shooting (and hopefully recharging my personal batteries) in Vegas and Portland and not because I shot myself or overdosed.
Friday, November 07, 2003
Okey Dokey
All right. Anyone who has been reading my journal recently can tell that as sinisher said, something has got to give.
Dingopariah, it was really great talking to you today. So good to talk to someone who really knows me while I'm all fishing for my identity. I hope you feel better soon and seriously feel free to call my cell every day while I am out of town if you feel like it.
I'm going to take a trip and hopefully that will improve my mood. I'm also hopefully going to finish this last course of antibiotics and get to stop taking them.
I'm also going to do some hiring. I need some help and trying to do too much myself is not helping matters.
Next post will be a hiring call and journal folks should feel free to repost it whererever.
All right. Anyone who has been reading my journal recently can tell that as sinisher said, something has got to give.
Dingopariah, it was really great talking to you today. So good to talk to someone who really knows me while I'm all fishing for my identity. I hope you feel better soon and seriously feel free to call my cell every day while I am out of town if you feel like it.
I'm going to take a trip and hopefully that will improve my mood. I'm also hopefully going to finish this last course of antibiotics and get to stop taking them.
I'm also going to do some hiring. I need some help and trying to do too much myself is not helping matters.
Next post will be a hiring call and journal folks should feel free to repost it whererever.
Los Angeles
Hmm, I just ICQed someone who moved to my town the following without really thinking about it:
Welcome to the beautiful sunny city that makes your dreams come true and eats your soul.
So many of my dreams really have come true here.
In case the changed character of some of my posting is striking some folks as odd, I've been really working on getting back in touch with me. Not an easy task in Los Angeles. Also, I've been on medication which has been making my wisdom tooth sockets heal up, but I think it may also have some undesireable side effects, especially when coupled with weird antibiotics.
I will return to my regularly scheduled hooterfest soon.
Hmm, I just ICQed someone who moved to my town the following without really thinking about it:
Welcome to the beautiful sunny city that makes your dreams come true and eats your soul.
So many of my dreams really have come true here.
In case the changed character of some of my posting is striking some folks as odd, I've been really working on getting back in touch with me. Not an easy task in Los Angeles. Also, I've been on medication which has been making my wisdom tooth sockets heal up, but I think it may also have some undesireable side effects, especially when coupled with weird antibiotics.
I will return to my regularly scheduled hooterfest soon.
Pretty much the perfect woman. False alarm.
So a bunch of what is bothering me is sort of a combo of little things, but I think they are as follows:
(1) The medications I am on for bone healing and my cold seem to be making me feel and act really not myself and my period is pretty late at this point.
(2) I feel like a lot of the time the people who should help me the most are actually the ones who hurt me the most.
(3) As I've gotten more of the things I want it has gotten a lot harder for me to really make friends. There are people who want to fuck me and people who want to get some business thing out of me and people who want to drop my name and people who want to dangle a carrot of something they could do in front of me and see if I dance. But every time I think I've met someone I can maybe hang out with from time to time and confide in a little, it turns out to be a tease. It makes me too shy to meet anyone in person that I actually like from online and want to be friends with. I'm having trouble reconciling getting fanmail and being afraid to reach out to anyone new at the same time.
Example 3a: There is a girl I used to shoot who I really really liked. I told her things I didn't tell anyone else. The last person I mentioned this to assumed I meant I'd been molested or something, but really I just mean intimate feelings and genuine info about what was up with me. Then this girl decided at the poisonous urging of someone who deludes herself into thinking she has a competitive site that clearly our relationship was just a business one. I offered her anything she wanted, no matter how unreasonable, to make her happy, but what she wanted was apparently to be unhappy. She recently visited Los Angeles and couldn't be bothered to come outside and say hello to me when other people she was with did.
Example 3b: There is an adult webmaster who asked me to come hang out with him at least once a week just about every week between May and September. Finally, in September, I went for drinks with him. I felt like we really clicked and had a good time, but, at the end of the night, he pitched a huge fit about me not sleeping with him. After that though, we chatted a bunch on ICQ and I thought we were going to be cool anway. Then, on my recent trip to Vancouver, he was all psycho and jealous about me whenever I came up in conversation and actively tried to get people not to hang out with me and people kept asking me if I was having a thing with the guy or had been dating him or something. Not that he seemed to want to hang out with me either, other than one failed attempt at the beginning of the weekend to get me to fuck him. An attempt to which he did not even bother to bring a condom. Turns out the guy actually has a girlfriend outside the industry anyway. But he is still apparently telling people they shouldn't hang out with me. Beats me what he is saying that it is working, but a couple of people have basically told me that they are scared to admit to hanging out with me because of how this guy will react.
Example 3c: The person in Los Angeles who I feel has been most hospitable to me in the past years has really stepped up the hitting-on-Amelia. Last time I went to a party at his place, he tried to kiss me when his girlfriend was asleep a few rooms away. I dodged the kiss and it landed on my cheek and I thought it was all okay. Then he starts this rap about how I am pretty much the perfect woman. When we ended up alone for a few minutes, he starts telling me that the age difference between him and his girlfriend makes it so she doesn't understand him. My girlfriend doesn't understand me? What kind of cliche garbage is that? Then, next time I see him, he has to grab my tit when I'm trying to do him a favor as a friend.
Example 3d: When I moved to LA, I was helped out by a girl who had been one of my closest friends for over a decade. Yes, I had gotten myself into a bad situation and needed a hand, but I had helped her out of similar situations before. Twice. So really, if one wanted to be petty about it, I'm still one up. But it was like the relationship was not supposed to be two ways and she couldn't forgive me for wanting it to be equal and not always me on top and in charge. I'd still like to be friends with this girl, but rehashing the past with her just sounds painful, but I think I'll have to if I want to be friends again and even then it may not work. Only the whole new friends thing is not going how I want.
(4) I feel a real lack of purity in a lot of my existence now. I want to do things because they are good, because they are cool and because I share values with the people I'm doing them with. But somehow the internet has turned everyone into a business spy. If I tell someone I'm thinking about doing more fantasy/sf work, suddenly everyone they know is scrambling in that direction. If I tell someone I'm thinking about using a particular designer, suddenly that designer is having power outtages while working on my stuff and working for the other guy. But if I have anything the other person could do for me, I feel like any friendly overture I make is not okay then. I miss being a broke-ass punk-rocker in a group house in many ways and that just seems fucked up.
(5) I feel like I could really be being cooler myself to the people I love while trying to sort this all out. I'm really not trying to throw the baby out with the bathwater, just really don't know what to do.
(6) I feel like every social situation is a test of whether or not I will put something in my body. I like people based on my perception of whether they are good or have a sense of humor or are kind or are friendly or fun or intelligent etc. Apparently other people have a multiple choice test on whether or not I will put beer or hard liquor or coke or pot or heroin or meth or one of their body parts into me and that determines association. Sometimes the answer is supposed to be no and sometimes yes, but that is the test. I don't remember high school being this stupid.
(7) I feel like everything I do is so under scrutiny that I can fuck up way less than most people do, but it is still a giant problem when I do.
(8) I feel like I am fucking up.
(9) I can't sleep through the night.
I am hoping a trip will cure whatever it is that ails me. If not, I can always use the Automated Suicide Note Generator if I can't figure out any succint way to express what pains me.
So a bunch of what is bothering me is sort of a combo of little things, but I think they are as follows:
(1) The medications I am on for bone healing and my cold seem to be making me feel and act really not myself and my period is pretty late at this point.
(2) I feel like a lot of the time the people who should help me the most are actually the ones who hurt me the most.
(3) As I've gotten more of the things I want it has gotten a lot harder for me to really make friends. There are people who want to fuck me and people who want to get some business thing out of me and people who want to drop my name and people who want to dangle a carrot of something they could do in front of me and see if I dance. But every time I think I've met someone I can maybe hang out with from time to time and confide in a little, it turns out to be a tease. It makes me too shy to meet anyone in person that I actually like from online and want to be friends with. I'm having trouble reconciling getting fanmail and being afraid to reach out to anyone new at the same time.
Example 3a: There is a girl I used to shoot who I really really liked. I told her things I didn't tell anyone else. The last person I mentioned this to assumed I meant I'd been molested or something, but really I just mean intimate feelings and genuine info about what was up with me. Then this girl decided at the poisonous urging of someone who deludes herself into thinking she has a competitive site that clearly our relationship was just a business one. I offered her anything she wanted, no matter how unreasonable, to make her happy, but what she wanted was apparently to be unhappy. She recently visited Los Angeles and couldn't be bothered to come outside and say hello to me when other people she was with did.
Example 3b: There is an adult webmaster who asked me to come hang out with him at least once a week just about every week between May and September. Finally, in September, I went for drinks with him. I felt like we really clicked and had a good time, but, at the end of the night, he pitched a huge fit about me not sleeping with him. After that though, we chatted a bunch on ICQ and I thought we were going to be cool anway. Then, on my recent trip to Vancouver, he was all psycho and jealous about me whenever I came up in conversation and actively tried to get people not to hang out with me and people kept asking me if I was having a thing with the guy or had been dating him or something. Not that he seemed to want to hang out with me either, other than one failed attempt at the beginning of the weekend to get me to fuck him. An attempt to which he did not even bother to bring a condom. Turns out the guy actually has a girlfriend outside the industry anyway. But he is still apparently telling people they shouldn't hang out with me. Beats me what he is saying that it is working, but a couple of people have basically told me that they are scared to admit to hanging out with me because of how this guy will react.
Example 3c: The person in Los Angeles who I feel has been most hospitable to me in the past years has really stepped up the hitting-on-Amelia. Last time I went to a party at his place, he tried to kiss me when his girlfriend was asleep a few rooms away. I dodged the kiss and it landed on my cheek and I thought it was all okay. Then he starts this rap about how I am pretty much the perfect woman. When we ended up alone for a few minutes, he starts telling me that the age difference between him and his girlfriend makes it so she doesn't understand him. My girlfriend doesn't understand me? What kind of cliche garbage is that? Then, next time I see him, he has to grab my tit when I'm trying to do him a favor as a friend.
Example 3d: When I moved to LA, I was helped out by a girl who had been one of my closest friends for over a decade. Yes, I had gotten myself into a bad situation and needed a hand, but I had helped her out of similar situations before. Twice. So really, if one wanted to be petty about it, I'm still one up. But it was like the relationship was not supposed to be two ways and she couldn't forgive me for wanting it to be equal and not always me on top and in charge. I'd still like to be friends with this girl, but rehashing the past with her just sounds painful, but I think I'll have to if I want to be friends again and even then it may not work. Only the whole new friends thing is not going how I want.
(4) I feel a real lack of purity in a lot of my existence now. I want to do things because they are good, because they are cool and because I share values with the people I'm doing them with. But somehow the internet has turned everyone into a business spy. If I tell someone I'm thinking about doing more fantasy/sf work, suddenly everyone they know is scrambling in that direction. If I tell someone I'm thinking about using a particular designer, suddenly that designer is having power outtages while working on my stuff and working for the other guy. But if I have anything the other person could do for me, I feel like any friendly overture I make is not okay then. I miss being a broke-ass punk-rocker in a group house in many ways and that just seems fucked up.
(5) I feel like I could really be being cooler myself to the people I love while trying to sort this all out. I'm really not trying to throw the baby out with the bathwater, just really don't know what to do.
(6) I feel like every social situation is a test of whether or not I will put something in my body. I like people based on my perception of whether they are good or have a sense of humor or are kind or are friendly or fun or intelligent etc. Apparently other people have a multiple choice test on whether or not I will put beer or hard liquor or coke or pot or heroin or meth or one of their body parts into me and that determines association. Sometimes the answer is supposed to be no and sometimes yes, but that is the test. I don't remember high school being this stupid.
(7) I feel like everything I do is so under scrutiny that I can fuck up way less than most people do, but it is still a giant problem when I do.
(8) I feel like I am fucking up.
(9) I can't sleep through the night.
I am hoping a trip will cure whatever it is that ails me. If not, I can always use the Automated Suicide Note Generator if I can't figure out any succint way to express what pains me.
Most recent Blue Blood newsletter
Forrest is cool and got this out last night!
HERE’S YOUR BLUEBLOOD NEWSLETTER:
- Model Call for Portland and Vegas
- Rubber Dollies Contest Winners
- Pills, Thrills, Chills, and Heartache: Adventures in the First Person
- Tattoo Savage #56
- Lollipop #33
- GothicSluts.com Free Picture of the Day
- Marquis #29
- Contact Reminder: Jps.net e-mails discontinued, West Hollywood snail
MODEL CALL FOR PORTLAND AND VEGAS
You must be interested in both fashion and nude modeling.
You must be rockin' one or more of the following looks: gothic, punk,
fetish, good tattoos, other damn weirdo individual.
You must be comfortable modeling at least topless and clear on what your
personal limits are. These are either paid gigs or content trade gigs
if you have your own site.
Please write to Amelia@BlueBlood.net and send a picture(s) of yourself
or a link to a picture(s) along with what magazines and web sites you
are most interested in appearing in, what levels of nudity and/or
explicit actitivy you are comfortable with/interested in doing on
camera, and say whether you are in Portland or Vegas and whether you
have your own site. If you recently submitted to
sadistintern@blueblood.net, please resubmit.
VEGAS MODELS November 9-11
PORTLAND MODELS November 11-15
Among other things, we are shooting for http://www.rubberdollies.com/
and http://www.gothicsluts.com/ and http://www.barelyevil.com/
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO REPOST THIS MODEL CALL TO MODEL LISTS, YAHOO GROUPS,
BOARDS ETC.
RUBBER DOLLIES CONTEST WINNERS
http://www.rubberdollies.com/contest/
The RubberDollies.com banner making contest winners were Alain, Tootie,
Avion, and Snipah7. Winners are being notified.
PILLS, THRILLS, CHILLS, AND HEARTACHE: ADVENTURES IN THE FIRST PERSON
http://www.spookylinks.com/cgi-bin/links/jump.cgi?ID=1793
This anthology of fiction from the fringe was edited by celebrated
troublemakers, who Blue Blood folks will no doubt be familiar with,
Clint Catalyst and Michelle Tea. Amelia G has a previously unpublished
short story of hers called "Restraint" included in this book, alongside
names including Dennis Cooper, Pleasant Gehman, JT LeRoy, Pauley P, and
other amazing writers. This is a groundbreaking collection and Amelia is
thrilled to be included. This is Amelia's first new short fiction work
to be published in quite a while.
TATTOO SAVAGE #56
The current issue of Tattoo Savage has Eva Klench of BarelyEvil.com fame
on the cover and inside. There is also a 32 page supplement featuring
the best freakiest portraiture from past issues and there are three full
page photos by Forrest Black and Amelia G included in the
restrospective!
LOLLIPOP #33
The current issue of Lollipop has a shot of Apocalypse Theatre's Hope
taken by Amelia G and Forrest Black for GothicSluts.com and Hope is
showing off one of the delightful F Subtlety T-shirts for this fine
music magazine.
GOTHICSLUTS.COM FREE PICTURE OF THE DAY
http://www.gothicsluts.com/cgi-bin/pix/pix.cgi?cat=gs
Forrest Black set it up so that Gothic Sluts now has a new free picture
of the day available for your entertainment every day. Bookmark the
page.
MARQUIS #29
The new issue of Marquis is out with Forrest Black and Amelia G's "Big
in America" column, but the Blue Blood crew has not seen the issue yet.
It hit German newsstands last week and should be available in the US
next.
CONTACT INFO REVISITED
You probably all know this by now, but, if you still have any of the
JPS.net e-mails in your address book, delete them as they have been
discontinued. Do not attempt to get in touch using Maryland, Virginia,
Georgia, or Beverly Hills contact info. All swag, contracts, review
materials, requests for interviews, jacuzzi suite upgrades, etc. should
be sent to:
Blue Blood
8033 Sunset Blvd #4500
West Hollywood, CA 90046
USA
Thanks!
--AMELIA G & FORREST BLACK
Amelia@BlueBlood.net & Forrest@BlueBlood.net
http://www.BlueBlood.net/
Forrest is cool and got this out last night!
HERE’S YOUR BLUEBLOOD NEWSLETTER:
- Model Call for Portland and Vegas
- Rubber Dollies Contest Winners
- Pills, Thrills, Chills, and Heartache: Adventures in the First Person
- Tattoo Savage #56
- Lollipop #33
- GothicSluts.com Free Picture of the Day
- Marquis #29
- Contact Reminder: Jps.net e-mails discontinued, West Hollywood snail
MODEL CALL FOR PORTLAND AND VEGAS
You must be interested in both fashion and nude modeling.
You must be rockin' one or more of the following looks: gothic, punk,
fetish, good tattoos, other damn weirdo individual.
You must be comfortable modeling at least topless and clear on what your
personal limits are. These are either paid gigs or content trade gigs
if you have your own site.
Please write to Amelia@BlueBlood.net and send a picture(s) of yourself
or a link to a picture(s) along with what magazines and web sites you
are most interested in appearing in, what levels of nudity and/or
explicit actitivy you are comfortable with/interested in doing on
camera, and say whether you are in Portland or Vegas and whether you
have your own site. If you recently submitted to
sadistintern@blueblood.net, please resubmit.
VEGAS MODELS November 9-11
PORTLAND MODELS November 11-15
Among other things, we are shooting for http://www.rubberdollies.com/
and http://www.gothicsluts.com/ and http://www.barelyevil.com/
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO REPOST THIS MODEL CALL TO MODEL LISTS, YAHOO GROUPS,
BOARDS ETC.
RUBBER DOLLIES CONTEST WINNERS
http://www.rubberdollies.com/contest/
The RubberDollies.com banner making contest winners were Alain, Tootie,
Avion, and Snipah7. Winners are being notified.
PILLS, THRILLS, CHILLS, AND HEARTACHE: ADVENTURES IN THE FIRST PERSON
http://www.spookylinks.com/cgi-bin/links/jump.cgi?ID=1793
This anthology of fiction from the fringe was edited by celebrated
troublemakers, who Blue Blood folks will no doubt be familiar with,
Clint Catalyst and Michelle Tea. Amelia G has a previously unpublished
short story of hers called "Restraint" included in this book, alongside
names including Dennis Cooper, Pleasant Gehman, JT LeRoy, Pauley P, and
other amazing writers. This is a groundbreaking collection and Amelia is
thrilled to be included. This is Amelia's first new short fiction work
to be published in quite a while.
TATTOO SAVAGE #56
The current issue of Tattoo Savage has Eva Klench of BarelyEvil.com fame
on the cover and inside. There is also a 32 page supplement featuring
the best freakiest portraiture from past issues and there are three full
page photos by Forrest Black and Amelia G included in the
restrospective!
LOLLIPOP #33
The current issue of Lollipop has a shot of Apocalypse Theatre's Hope
taken by Amelia G and Forrest Black for GothicSluts.com and Hope is
showing off one of the delightful F Subtlety T-shirts for this fine
music magazine.
GOTHICSLUTS.COM FREE PICTURE OF THE DAY
http://www.gothicsluts.com/cgi-bin/pix/pix.cgi?cat=gs
Forrest Black set it up so that Gothic Sluts now has a new free picture
of the day available for your entertainment every day. Bookmark the
page.
MARQUIS #29
The new issue of Marquis is out with Forrest Black and Amelia G's "Big
in America" column, but the Blue Blood crew has not seen the issue yet.
It hit German newsstands last week and should be available in the US
next.
CONTACT INFO REVISITED
You probably all know this by now, but, if you still have any of the
JPS.net e-mails in your address book, delete them as they have been
discontinued. Do not attempt to get in touch using Maryland, Virginia,
Georgia, or Beverly Hills contact info. All swag, contracts, review
materials, requests for interviews, jacuzzi suite upgrades, etc. should
be sent to:
Blue Blood
8033 Sunset Blvd #4500
West Hollywood, CA 90046
USA
Thanks!
--AMELIA G & FORREST BLACK
Amelia@BlueBlood.net & Forrest@BlueBlood.net
http://www.BlueBlood.net/
Thursday, November 06, 2003
Feeling kinda better
I frequently tell people I am crazy, but I don't actually usually feel particularly loopy. Never accepted a prescription for loopiness etc.
I believe psychological pain is generally nature's way of telling you to change something you are doing.
As is probably obvious from recent, I've been feeling like crawling out of my skin lately though.
Now I just have to figure out how to change the bad things without changing the good ones too much.
Thanks for calling, Szandora. It helped to talk and I'm looking forward to seeing you.
Double thanks to my bro. Not sure what time it is in Japan, but I think it is really late and I appreciate you taking a couple hours to talk to me. It made a big difference. No doubt AT&T will appreciate it even more when I get my bill. :-)
I frequently tell people I am crazy, but I don't actually usually feel particularly loopy. Never accepted a prescription for loopiness etc.
I believe psychological pain is generally nature's way of telling you to change something you are doing.
As is probably obvious from recent, I've been feeling like crawling out of my skin lately though.
Now I just have to figure out how to change the bad things without changing the good ones too much.
Thanks for calling, Szandora. It helped to talk and I'm looking forward to seeing you.
Double thanks to my bro. Not sure what time it is in Japan, but I think it is really late and I appreciate you taking a couple hours to talk to me. It made a big difference. No doubt AT&T will appreciate it even more when I get my bill. :-)
Wednesday, November 05, 2003
Psychotic break
I guess I should probably go watch TiVo or something if I can't get anything productive done.
Otherwise, it is just a matter of time before I drive myself into a public psychotic break and that just won't do.
Thanks for all the supportive comments, folks. I'm going to attempt to take care of myself for a few and see how that goes.
I guess I should probably go watch TiVo or something if I can't get anything productive done.
Otherwise, it is just a matter of time before I drive myself into a public psychotic break and that just won't do.
Thanks for all the supportive comments, folks. I'm going to attempt to take care of myself for a few and see how that goes.
Grabbing my tit
So the other day, I was trying to help a friend out with some hookup and some advice for his band. I was not dressed slutty at all. In the middle of me trying to talk business which was going to be way more of an advantage for him than for me, he grabbed my tit and commented that he felt my nipple because I was wearing a fairly casual stretch bra. I've lost a bunch of weight and need to buy new bras. At the time, I sort of laughed it off because the situation was already sort of tense and I didn't make a big deal of it. Only I thought we were friends. I was trying to do him a favor and he disrespects me as a woman. The more I think about it, the more I'm pissed off about it. Could just be the headspace I am in now, but . . .
So the other day, I was trying to help a friend out with some hookup and some advice for his band. I was not dressed slutty at all. In the middle of me trying to talk business which was going to be way more of an advantage for him than for me, he grabbed my tit and commented that he felt my nipple because I was wearing a fairly casual stretch bra. I've lost a bunch of weight and need to buy new bras. At the time, I sort of laughed it off because the situation was already sort of tense and I didn't make a big deal of it. Only I thought we were friends. I was trying to do him a favor and he disrespects me as a woman. The more I think about it, the more I'm pissed off about it. Could just be the headspace I am in now, but . . .
Drenched in fever sweat
I think I am really sick.
I can't stay asleep for more than a few hours in a row.
I should probably not be posting to the internet just now. Or for the last few days.
I kept thinking I was cranky from PMS, except it seemed kind of like a lot too much so, and I keep thinking I'm going to be bleeding in about five minutes, only now my period is late.
I think I am really sick.
I can't stay asleep for more than a few hours in a row.
I should probably not be posting to the internet just now. Or for the last few days.
I kept thinking I was cranky from PMS, except it seemed kind of like a lot too much so, and I keep thinking I'm going to be bleeding in about five minutes, only now my period is late.
Tuesday, November 04, 2003
Fucking Up the Curve
So I always feel like no matter how much I accomplish, I am never good enough.
So why is it that other people are generally overwhelmed and intimidated by me?
How the fuck is it that I feel like I should somehow do more and be more and other people are always like stop fucking up the curve for everyone else?
So I always feel like no matter how much I accomplish, I am never good enough.
So why is it that other people are generally overwhelmed and intimidated by me?
How the fuck is it that I feel like I should somehow do more and be more and other people are always like stop fucking up the curve for everyone else?
18 or Dead
Had a great shoot tonight. Beautiful girl of a flavor I love to shoot, unique and individualistic and passionate and intense with a lot of star quality, great model and actual potential friend.
Fell asleep pretty soon after.
Still got a sad girl thing going on though.
Still got a sad artist thing going on.
Still got a disillusioned with what I used to care about thing going on.
I feel like I missed the boat believing in higher ideals while everyone else was out to for $$ or one-upping the next guy.
Some sexist bullshit from various adult webmasters I know is making me beserk.
Some sexist bullshit from various rocker guys I know is making me beserk.
I know I just have bizarrely bad PMS. Way worse than normal and way way worse than I've had it for a while. I don't usually drink, so maybe all the "fun" I've been having lately has caused this.
Whatever it is, I find myself wishing more and more often that I were either 18 or dead.
Had a great shoot tonight. Beautiful girl of a flavor I love to shoot, unique and individualistic and passionate and intense with a lot of star quality, great model and actual potential friend.
Fell asleep pretty soon after.
Still got a sad girl thing going on though.
Still got a sad artist thing going on.
Still got a disillusioned with what I used to care about thing going on.
I feel like I missed the boat believing in higher ideals while everyone else was out to for $$ or one-upping the next guy.
Some sexist bullshit from various adult webmasters I know is making me beserk.
Some sexist bullshit from various rocker guys I know is making me beserk.
I know I just have bizarrely bad PMS. Way worse than normal and way way worse than I've had it for a while. I don't usually drink, so maybe all the "fun" I've been having lately has caused this.
Whatever it is, I find myself wishing more and more often that I were either 18 or dead.
Monday, November 03, 2003
I'm not really a girl
So my family had a lot of dough when I was a kid.
A little girl in my class once asked me if my family was rich.
I asked my father if we were.
He said no, we were well-to-do.
My family is littered with ex-millionaires.
None of us like to buckle under to pressure even when the payoffs are huge.
Hubris, dignity, lack of materialism, inability to grasp the evil nature of our fellow man, one of those things.
I got good grades.
I went to a good school.
I graduated to become a broke-ass punk-rocker.
I was happy about a lot of things and thought I just needed to be more accomplished and be able to pay my bills.
Now I think I need some custom rims for my Town Car and probably a new Town Car to go with them.
I am so sick of biters who wish they could claim my accomplishments that I am afraid to state here what design I want for fear someone else will rip it off.
Now I think I need a three million dollar house so I can get a big dog who will love me the way I want to be loved.
Now I think I should have been a man.
My personality is so much better suited to being male.
Girls tend to change who they are based on who they are dating that week.
Boys tend to have stronger core senses of self.
Boys also tend to think they can't be friends with girls, but they sure wouldn't mind getting some sex.
A lot of times they don't even really want the sex, just feel obligated to pursue it.
I've got that horrible weepy sort of PMS that makes me feel like the biggest pussy in the universe.
Pardon the word choice.
I like to say cunt when I'm speaking from a position of power.
So my family had a lot of dough when I was a kid.
A little girl in my class once asked me if my family was rich.
I asked my father if we were.
He said no, we were well-to-do.
My family is littered with ex-millionaires.
None of us like to buckle under to pressure even when the payoffs are huge.
Hubris, dignity, lack of materialism, inability to grasp the evil nature of our fellow man, one of those things.
I got good grades.
I went to a good school.
I graduated to become a broke-ass punk-rocker.
I was happy about a lot of things and thought I just needed to be more accomplished and be able to pay my bills.
Now I think I need some custom rims for my Town Car and probably a new Town Car to go with them.
I am so sick of biters who wish they could claim my accomplishments that I am afraid to state here what design I want for fear someone else will rip it off.
Now I think I need a three million dollar house so I can get a big dog who will love me the way I want to be loved.
Now I think I should have been a man.
My personality is so much better suited to being male.
Girls tend to change who they are based on who they are dating that week.
Boys tend to have stronger core senses of self.
Boys also tend to think they can't be friends with girls, but they sure wouldn't mind getting some sex.
A lot of times they don't even really want the sex, just feel obligated to pursue it.
I've got that horrible weepy sort of PMS that makes me feel like the biggest pussy in the universe.
Pardon the word choice.
I like to say cunt when I'm speaking from a position of power.
Sunday, November 02, 2003
AMELIA G AND FORREST BLACK MODEL CALLS
Okay, I'm going to go through my friends list in a few for Portland cuties I have talked to before, but please please feel free to post to this thread. Please also repost this model call at will, especially to local groups. I know I usually tell folks not to post model queries in my personal journal, but this is an exception. Normally, submissions go to the general mailbox at sadistintern@blueblood.net, but I didn't have anyone check it for a couple weeks and it got so many tens of thousands of emails that it blew up and needs to be repaired, so do not email at this time.
Forrest made the mistake of taking a nap on a Saturday night, so I made reservations to go to Vegas and Portland. There is a possibility that either Szandora or Forrest will nix my plans by 11pm Monday, but after that the tickets are nonrefundable, bwa, ha, ha, ha . . .
MODEL REQUIREMENTS
You must be interested in both fashion and nude modeling.
You must be rockin' one or more of the following looks: gothic, punk, fetish, good tattoos, other damn weirdo individual.
You must be comfortable modeling at least topless and clear on what your personal limits are.
These are either paid gigs or content trade gigs if you have your own site.
Please post a picture(s) of yourself or a link to a picture(s) along with what magazines and web sites you are most interested in appearing in, what levels of nudity and/or explicit actitivy you are comfortable with/interested in doing on camera, and say whether you are in Portland or Vegas and whether you have your own site.
My journal autoscreens, so no one but me will see your post, so feel free to post personal stuff.
VEGAS MODELS November 9-11
PORTLAND MODELS November 11-15
Okay, I'm going to go through my friends list in a few for Portland cuties I have talked to before, but please please feel free to post to this thread. Please also repost this model call at will, especially to local groups. I know I usually tell folks not to post model queries in my personal journal, but this is an exception. Normally, submissions go to the general mailbox at sadistintern@blueblood.net, but I didn't have anyone check it for a couple weeks and it got so many tens of thousands of emails that it blew up and needs to be repaired, so do not email at this time.
Forrest made the mistake of taking a nap on a Saturday night, so I made reservations to go to Vegas and Portland. There is a possibility that either Szandora or Forrest will nix my plans by 11pm Monday, but after that the tickets are nonrefundable, bwa, ha, ha, ha . . .
MODEL REQUIREMENTS
You must be interested in both fashion and nude modeling.
You must be rockin' one or more of the following looks: gothic, punk, fetish, good tattoos, other damn weirdo individual.
You must be comfortable modeling at least topless and clear on what your personal limits are.
These are either paid gigs or content trade gigs if you have your own site.
Please post a picture(s) of yourself or a link to a picture(s) along with what magazines and web sites you are most interested in appearing in, what levels of nudity and/or explicit actitivy you are comfortable with/interested in doing on camera, and say whether you are in Portland or Vegas and whether you have your own site.
My journal autoscreens, so no one but me will see your post, so feel free to post personal stuff.
VEGAS MODELS November 9-11
PORTLAND MODELS November 11-15
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