Insomnia

Quit really drinking coffee a number of months ago, with mostly just the exception of application for menstrual cramps. Had a coffee tonight. Can't sleep.

Lying awake thinking about the fragility and ephemeral nature of human connections. The weird ways in which sex and chemicals provide human bonds in our disconnected society.

Like if you drink waters with someone, it is meaningless to most people. If you drink beers, it is a bond. I'm happy my doctor was able to make it so I am no longer particularly allergic to alcohol, but I'm not sure I like the part where I sober up and can't tell whether or not I like other people.

If you have a cool conversation with someone, it is meaningless to most people. If you include the potential for sexual relations, it is a bond. I want to be sexy. I think being sexy is good. But I used to be a lot sexier because I'm not sure I like the part where the other party realizes they are not getting the sex or the Relationship they want and they are not sure whether they like who they were conversing with.

It seems like lately, every time I put on some eyeliner and have a few drinks, there is some guy in a long term relationship telling me how I'm what he really wants, for the night, for a dirty weekend, forever, for his art, for his heart, for my perfection, for my flaws, for a lil bit o' poon. Shortly thereafter, there is generally hostility. I've lost some of the weight I gained and I'm feeling more sexual energy as I feel healthier, but I don't exactly look the best I ever have, and I'm kinda baffled by the repetition of this sort of interaction.

As I get some help with the work aspects of the online stuff I do, I'm thinking about finally putting up a personal site on AmeliaG.com. Maybe put some of my fiction up, information for people who want to stalk me, stuff like that.

Hot bath is finished running. Going to check what I've got on TiVo now and watch while I de-soggify.